b l a c k & w h i t e

2011-12-17T00:04:00.001+09:00

My nose is bleeding again.

2011-12-09T03:18:00.001+09:00

힘.내.자.

2011-01-12T20:58:00.001+09:00

Remember when I said to you that you were always longing for recognition from me? I think it was not recognition that you seek, but instead an acknowledgement.

Acknowledgement that is far more meaningful than just to be recognized.

2010-12-19T15:37:00.003+09:00

네가 너무 반가웠는데 그저 무뚝뚝한 소리로 전화 받은 거 많이 미안해.

반가운 마음을 꺼내려는데 다른 마음이 그걸 막아.

누가 볼까 두리번거리고 누가 들을까 내 귀가 쫑긋 서는 이 현상. 나의 비겁함.

나의 오래된 무사함의 노하우이지만 지금은 이런 내가 싫어.

사실 내내 널 생각이었는데 안 놀랐을 리가 있겠어.

내내 네 전화가 오면 어떻게 하나, 아니 오지 않으면 어떻게 하나.

아침부터 안절부절 못했는데 네 목소리를 들으니 갑자기 겁이 났어.

내 마음이 전혀 내 마음대로 되지 않는, 세상에 이런 순간이 있나 봐.

마음은 반가워 죽겠는데, 혀는 심술쟁이처럼 굳어져 목구멍에서 말줄임표들이 요동을 쳐.

갑자기 내가 살아있다는 사실이 아슬아슬하게 느껴졌어.

내가 뜻하지 않은 이 치명적인 거짓말, 너에게 미안해.

이렇게 가짜 목소리와 가짜 표정과 가짜 마음을 내놓다니…. 이토록 깊이 출렁이는 심연을

이토록 감쪽같이 감추다니…. 미안해. 이 부끄러움은 내내 자신에 대한 사나운 침 뱉기.

자신을 향해 내지르는 욕지기. 그래서 영영 널 똑바로 바라보지 못하는, 감정의 물타기인걸아.

나를 좋게 보지 마. 미안해. 나 많이 우스운걸. 이제 너에 대해 무슨 감정을

표현하는 일까지도 미안해져. 정말 미안해.

이 어수선한 침묵을 쓸쓸한 눈으로 바라보고 있는 너에게.

2010-12-14T21:10:00.001+09:00

I wish the world could stop for a while; something like the earth to stop spinning for a minute if possible.

I just want a moment to myself. For that moment to froze just for me.

2010-11-04T23:10:00.002+09:00

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

What was it?

2010-09-03T16:39:00.001+09:00

Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

p/s : I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

2010-08-28T04:14:00.004+09:00

i) Mungkin suatu hari nanti, bila kita bangun dari tidur, perasaan untuk ingin tahu kejadian masing-masing tidak lagi istimewa dan tersimpan dalam sanubari kita. Kita terlalu angkuh pada haluan baru hingga alpa jejak-jejak tua yang telah kita tinggalkan. Saya bimbang dengan itu.

Saya, pada waktu ini amat-amat gementar jika ‘kita’ itu menghilang dan bakal tiada lagi.

ii) Suddenly one's idyllic existence was intruded upon by a luscious memory of someone. silky smooth skin, beautiful eyes, soft sweet lips

2010-06-06T00:59:00.000+09:00

Thinner.

Older.

Uglier.

2010-06-02T21:29:00.002+09:00

Ingin melihat dunia tanpa memandangnya. Berselisih bahu dengan masa lalu dan ingin tersenyum. Betapa perkara-perkara lama telah membawa ku ke sini. Suka dan duka, itu perkara kedua.

Ingin tenggelam dalam khayalan. Hari ini.

2010-05-26T22:32:00.000+09:00

hidup seharusnya dihargai kewujudannya.

hidup, jika mahu difikirkan, secara bawah sedar, adalah keberanian. keberanian yang menyinggah dan ada masa, tersanggah.

p/s: gubahan yang sangat indah. sangat. sangat.

2010-05-24T03:51:00.000+09:00

I have no idea where you are out there in the world. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by.....I know one thing to be as true as it ever was. I'll see you soon, then.

2010-05-22T23:14:00.000+09:00

I always try to be nice to people.

With you, I’m always nice.

I wonder if you realise the difference.

Gwangalli Beach, Busan 1.42 a.m

2010-05-16T14:50:00.003+09:00

i) It is always an interesting eye opener to know how much you are really worth to someone else. You can infer all you want from their everyday (previous) words/actions, but nothing beats the eye opening truth in seeing how you are treated when you are in need, for that is the best time to know whether you are weight in gold or crap.

ii) Percayalah, manusia sememang sifatnya mudah lupa. Things like how we first met is always forgotten.

2010-05-14T01:17:00.001+09:00

i) People are not sorry for the things they’ve done. They are just sorry they’ve put themselves in a very guilty position. In short, everything still boils down to they, themselves.

ii) All I care about is that you ask for what you need, lean on those who love you and try to trust me when I say that you’ll come out other side.

2010-05-12T15:20:00.002+09:00

i) What happened to us? We were almost there.

ii) Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain, cherish the memories, and ignore the pain...love, learn, and forgive

iii) I think we're both too scared.

2010-05-11T13:01:00.003+09:00

i) Semua yang terjadi, menjadi, jadi dan akan jadi dalam hidupku, ada kemungkinan. Tiada masa piantan. Ia datang bila ia datang. Ia hilang bila fikiranku melayang.

ii) Suatu hari, coklat-coklat pahit yang lazat dan menyengat itu, akan membantu atau membunuhku.

iii) Di luar, dunia yang luas dan berkabus. Berjuta juta orang menghuninya, namun tidak sedesis suara yang aku terima. Di dalam, ruang yang tidak sebesar mana. Seorang saja manusia yang ada. Yang aku dengar cuma ketikan papan kekunci yang dipaksa-paksa. Apa pengakhirannya di sini? Yang di luar dan di dalam ku, semuanya sunyi.

2010-05-07T15:34:00.002+09:00

Not one life goes by in which the quest for joy and happiness is absent. it is unfortunate, however, that people so often believe that the search will be entirely fulfilled by finding the perfect job, acquiring some new gadget, losing weight, or maintaining an image. The problem inherent in looking outward for sources of happiness is that focusing on what you do not have or what you are not inevitably leads to unhappiness

It is easy to get caught up in your desires and to ignore the sources of joy and growth already present in your life. It is said that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. When you have stopped comparing yourself and your assets to others, you will be able to recognize that, to others, you are on the "greener side". Learning to live in te moment and enjoy your personal lot can be a source of profound contentment.

Unhappiness inspired by what you do not have is easy to overcome when you open your eyes to the wonderful things already present in your life. Remember that joy is a state of mind, and it is pointless to sacrifice the happiness of today for a set of possibilities that may or may not come to be.

2010-05-06T23:18:00.000+09:00

세상에는..

사람의 마음을 흔드는 감성적인 물질들이 존재한다..

비, 구름, 바다 같은 갓들..

그리고 그 중에는 음악이 있다.

음악을 들다 보면 괜히 마음이 편안해지고 위로 받는 느낌을 받게 된다

2010-05-05T12:39:00.001+09:00

For my own consumption. As I need to remind myself over and over and over again,

"I am what I am. When I tend or even tempt myself to act as a different person or having dishonest personality, that is where I fail myself as a human being."

God is great, in every way He creates his creation.

2010-04-25T14:07:00.001+09:00

i) For having a friend like you, all i can say is thanks for letting me occupy a little space in your heart. I promise I'll save a room for you to occupy in this heart of mine.

ii) It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then some how, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again. Life's roller coaster. Hang tight. Take care

2010-04-24T15:30:00.002+09:00

지친 일상에서 그 일상을 아주 잠시라도 쉬어갈 안식처가 있다는 것은

그 사람에겐 커다란 행운일거 같아...

나에겐 너와의 추억으로 인해 소중한 행복이 넘치는 이곳...

그냥 너에게 아주 작은 안식처라도 되었음 좋겠어..

힘들땐 찾아와..우리의 추억만큼 작은 안식처가 되어줄께..

네가 떠나면...항상 익숙치 않은 그리움이 가득할테지만..

2010-04-20T19:06:00.008+09:00

God, my parents, cousins, my family, friends, photography, twitter, autumn, sunny skies, breezy days, laughing til it hurts, the feel of the sun on your skin, fiber one bars, ice cream, california rolls, making snow angels, water, piano, slow music, rainbows, old people, babies, hugs, smiles, pixar films, love songs, Onitsuka Tiger's shoe, kittens, long summer days, beaches, pastel color, Nikon, Photoshop, traveling, mom's cooking, potato pizza, colored socks, dad's words of wisdoms, cookies, football, soft tone, inside jokes, stars & space, day dreaming, good books, pocket ball, not getting a joke til 5 minutes later, recycling, getting hyper, creative ideas, nature, bokeh, juice, flowers, depth of field, bubbles, family barbecues, & this may be cliché to say, but ... you : ♥

2010-04-16T00:57:00.001+09:00

Kekata yang ringkas dan manis itu, berhantu. Ia bermain-main dalam mindaku. Tidak mahu keluar walau di halau. Malah lebih kurang canggung untuk terus bergantungan dan terngiang-ngiang.

2010-04-14T23:11:00.001+09:00

It supposed to be a beautiful morning:

- The rain has washed away the physical misery of the world. No haze, no unsightly grime, only clean air, and mist covered valleys and lush green vista as far as the eyes can see.

- I slept early last night around 3 am. Had a troubled free sleep, no nightmare, and no wayward dreams.

But my heart can't feel the beauty, my eyes stared unseeing and my soul remained silent.

2010-04-14T14:21:00.000+09:00

I remember when you lost your head

sometimes I wonder how you stay so sad

when you're so beautiful

I remember every word you said

How you were scared because you'd never been

Somewhere so beautiful

2010-04-13T18:44:00.002+09:00

i) when we are hurting, why is it so hard for us to tell the person responsible that they've hurt us. is it misguided pride? is it the need to not appear as pathetic? is it the confusing joy of cleansing tears? or is it the burning wonder of feeling your own soul suffers? why..and while we play this blaséful nonchalant game, blithely angst-ridden dance to the tune of our hearts' sorrowful ballad, our souls continue to bleed. is it worth it to appear strong when in the inside every fiber of your being is crying out for something to soothe the pain.

ii) I've somehow dislocated my brain and then my shoulder over the weekend. Am recovering but still feeling very sore right now. *if only i can whack my own head without feeling the tenderness of the joint, i would feel better.. such silliness...sish...Need to sit in my corner to lick my wound, learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable..

2010-04-12T01:47:00.001+09:00

We love different things and different people, and sometimes it is hard to understand why other people love the things they do. But at the end of the day we are all united by one fact: our little hearts can get broken by those we love, and they often do. And when they do, we can't help but sing about it.

2010-04-11T13:53:00.002+09:00

Thank you for the time - the talking, laughs, stares, serious advices, openness of to accept who I am, being receptive enough to make jokes, the nice teeth, beautiful skin, the undone hair, the memories, the avoidance of saying "I'm keeping away our past back into my mind, and I don't want to talk about it. But I know we had it good", and almost the same warmth and stir of air like when we were used to be together. Thank you. Thank you.

Last night, I just realized how much I missed you. How much our fate and life have separated us apart all this while. And I*, thank you for the call to check on me, whether I have reached my hostel or not. It was decently thoughtful.

2010-04-07T19:24:00.001+09:00

to be cruel in order to be kind

somehow it does not sound as sagely or as clever (as you had perceived it) when you are the one at the receiving ends...

2010-04-04T22:06:00.002+09:00

i) Dia dalam pencarian yang tiada hujung. Berpandu kompas yang dia sendiri kemudi, jalannya tidak pasti. Rasa yang tertelap dalam dirinya, tidak tertilik oleh kekata yang timbul di halaman ini. Dia kejar mentari, untuk hanya sedar ia cuma mimpi. Dia tepuk hatinya, mengangin citarasanya, agar terbuang hampas perasaan yang berselindung di sebalik nafsu dan keseronokan sementara. Dia ingin tahu, adakah ini yang dia mahu?

tidak juga.

ii) What else can I say? Forgive me for all that may hurt you. For promises that I have not kept tight. For good intentions that have been misunderstood. For all the wrongdoings and all the right that went wrong

2010-04-03T19:55:00.000+09:00

Every thing does happen for a reason,

and they all happen at the time they’re supposed to.

Whether it’s a bad thing that we should take as a lesson,
or a good thing that we then take as blessings.

2010-03-30T00:35:00.002+09:00

frozen love.

she has no melody of heart

no true love

just a fake love

2010-03-29T23:55:00.003+09:00

i) That particular jet has been flying for the longest time. Fuel is running really low but yet there's no suitable place to land. how much longer does the jet must go on? crash it; so it could be the end of everything?

The will and the strength to go on are still the hardest.

ii) At the end, if we don't hang on together, we'll die alone.

2010-03-28T13:31:00.004+09:00

i) Bagaimana pula dengan manusia yang matanya melihat hari terang dan cerah, namun tidak sedar kehidupan dan jiwanya terlindung berkat, suram dan gelap?

ii) No matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We’d prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. It’s the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. All of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and its nice, or it takes some getting used to. Still, maybe you’ll find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones.

2010-03-27T01:10:00.002+09:00

i) Mungkin suatu hari nanti, bila kita bangun dari tidur, perasaan untuk ingin tahu kejadian masing-masing tidak lagi istimewa seperti dulu. Kita terlalu angkuh pada haluan baru hingga alpa jejak-jejak tua yang telah kita tinggalkan.

ii) Lilin, sepertimu aku tidak mahu.

2010-03-26T16:40:00.008+09:00

안녕! 그동안 잘 지냈어? 나도 대학생이라 공부하느라 바빴고 너도수험생활 하느라 많이 바빠서 2년동안에 자주 못만났던 것 같아. 만나려고도 했었는데 서로 여러가지 사정이 있었잖아. 그래도 난널 잊지 않고 지냈는데 너도 그랬겠지?ㅋㅋㅋ

사실 우리가 처음 만난 이후로 이렇게까지 만남이어질 줄은 몰랐어. 처음 만났을때 너무 좋았고 마음에 들어서 계속 연락하고 싶다고 생각했어. 그리고 또 네가 너무 자랑스럽기도 하고. 혹시나 멍청한 몇몇 말레이시아 애들 때문에 네가 상처 받지는 않을까 걱정도 했고. 그래서 내가 옆에서 많이 도와 주고 싶었는데 막상 큰 도움은 되 주지 못한 것 같아서 미안해. 내 도움 없어도 넌 잘하니까 섭섭하기도 하고 부듯하기도 하고. 네가 알아서 잘 하는 건 아는데, 정말 혹시나 해서. 만약 말레이시아에서 그런 일이 있었다면 내가 대신 사과할게.

저번에 영화를 보고난뒤, 집에 돌아오며 넌 오늘 참 재미있었다고 말해 주었어. 내가 생각하기엔, Danga Bay에선 힘들게 걸어다니기만 하고 밥도 늦게 먹고 내가 하고 싶은 대로만 한 것 같은데..너무 미안해.

더욱 더 오래 같이 있고 싶었는데 하루는 너무 짧아. 짧은 시간에 많은 걸 해 주고 싶었고 그러다 보니 오히려 널 피곤하게 한 것만 같아. 다시 한번 미안해.

쓰다 보니 어느세 이렇게 길어졌네. 그 동안 하고 싶은 말이 많았거든. 그리고 내 진심이 전달되었으면 해서. 왜냐하면 아직도 넌 나를 불편하게 생각하고 있는 것 같아서. 왜인지는 잘 모르겠는데..뭔가 그런 느낌을 받은 적이 있었던 것 같아. 넌 날 좀 더 편하게 생각했으면 좋겠어.

한국에 돌아가서 가족분들께 내 얘기 많이 해 줘. 말레이시아에 정말 멋있고 착한 친구가 있다고 ㅋㅋㅋ

너무 즐거웠어. 널 알게 되서 너무 기쁘고. 나중에 또 보자. 그땐 더 멋있어져 있을게 ㅋㅋㅋ

2010-03-26T00:22:00.002+09:00

i) Dia menyapa. Menghulur tangan. Jemarinya yang melentik manja. Lurus dan kurus. Lembut, bukan pada kulit atau kelopak teratai yang memangkunya. Tetapi kelembutan itu datang dalam bagaimana jemari itu dialun ikut susunan yang santun. Provokatif hingga sedikit enticing. Haruskah ~~aku~~ dia cuba?

ii) If I told you that you didn't exist. Would you go away?

2010-03-23T23:32:00.002+09:00

i) Wanita cantik melukis kekuatan melalui masalahnya, tersenyum saat tertekan, tertawa di saat hati sedang menangis, memberkati di saat terhina, mempesona kerana mengampuni. Wanita cantik mengasihi tanpa memilih, berkuat dalam doa dan pengharapan. Jadilah secantik bunga matahari, yang selalu terlihat anggun di tengah teriknya matahari, yang dapat bertahan hidup menyongsong ketika datangnya matahari esok hari.

ii) I guess you’re happy when you are relieved but you’re not necessarily relieved when you are happy. Am i making any sense?

2010-03-22T02:34:00.005+09:00

i) Bintang naungan Aquarius, orangnya abstrak tetapi objektifnya jelas. Kontradiktori, pada sekian-sekian waktu. Sunyi, untuk hampir sepanjang masa.

ii) Kadangkala momen yang biasa boleh buat kita beku dalam ketakjuban. Sering selalu dari sekali sekala pula, perkara yang kita anggap biasa itu memberi makna berbeza dan besar untuk orang yang selain kita. Orang cakap, jangan selalu bercakap perkara yang kita tidak mahu berlaku kepada kita. Kerana lafaz itu adalah doa yang kita minta. Orang juga cakap, orang yang selalu kata tidak percaya pada cinta adalah orang yang bila mereka bertemu cinta hati mereka, kuasanya merasuk mereka lebih dari kenan orang biasa.

iii) Giving you mixed signals, unrelentingly.

2010-03-21T02:05:00.007+09:00

i. It is really sad when you are able to understand the whole pieces of everything, what's coming in and out of your life, but you are unable to make conclusion on how to move forward with it. I guess to find meanings in your life, is part of the journey to maturity.

ii. Oh, don't be sorry for me. Life's like that. No matter how bad things are, u just gotta go on and live with it. keep on plastering a smile when u face the world eventhough deep inside u know for sure that ur soul has been dead long time ago.

iii. Selamat datang ke dunia, insan kecil. Bagaimana ya aku, ketika pertama kali melihat cahaya, membuka mata dan menerima kuasaNya. Adakah aku tertawa? Atau berduka dengan kegilaan dan kecamukan dunia manusia?

2010-03-21T01:58:00.003+09:00

Happy 3rd anniversary, dearest blog. Sorry, it's a very quiet celebration. So many major hiccups happened past years. And i always wish the next year would be a lot better. And i've been wishing the same thing since i was five. Is it too much to ask? Is it?

2008-05-23T23:59:00.002+09:00

Hari Muhibah
Tangan sape ni?

Lately, i’ve been having weird dreams/nightmares. But the thing is that, they are not like dreams. It’s like they are so real. Scary on one end but it’s really intriguing. I mean, why the same thing over and over again rite? Maybe i’m having too much on my mind. Perhaps. But the good dreams, i don’t mind them being real. heheheh….

If i were to illustrate the condition of my head at the moment, it would be like this space with so many things, scattered everywhere. Not in order. Not related. Not quite within my reach. It’s the exact same way how i feel right now. I know everything is there. It’s just that i’ve not really sat down on it to scrutinised it all, like i always do. I guess the time will come. I know it will. I just don’t know when.

I guess it’s true. I am such a control freak. I feel so lost when i’m not in control of myself. In a way, i feel like i’m so vulnerable when i’m in this state of mind, body and soul. I don’t like it one bit. i feel helpless and hopeless.

2008-05-22T00:28:00.003+09:00

Ayie & Adib
Hanyang University

(i)
When u messed up something physical with ur own emotions, u need to take a step back. Do not analyze coz it will drives u crazy/mad/insane. When ur head started spinning searching the truth on the unthinkable, it's about time for u to step on that brake paddle. STOP at that instant coz u've juz realized that u betrayed ur own principles and broke ur own rules.

(ii)
That's how exclusive u r to me, and how invisible i am to u. If only u knew.

2008-05-21T23:35:00.003+09:00

Olympic Stadium

Look up and smile!
You are beautiful and you should know it.

2008-05-20T23:20:00.003+09:00

Duen&McD
Kyongju - Autumn

2008-05-20T22:23:00.003+09:00

Untuk dia ~~yang sengal~~,

hang in there~
we are tested to bring out what we truly are. for us to know and affirm what we are.

hang tight :)
life's roller coaster.

will blow, will be over.
just like how the ride will be over too. Close your eyes, hang in there for a bit. Scream if you need to.

but, the ride will be over.

May you have enough trials to make you strong, enough hope to make you happy.

Take care^^

2008-05-20T00:16:00.004+09:00

kyongju

Mungkin apa yang aku perlukan adalah masa,

untuk lebih bersahaja dalam apa jua perkara.

2008-05-19T23:53:00.000+09:00

She meant it in another way. In the nicest possible way, of a different context entirely. She was sharing. Sharing is good.

And she was happy. You can tell from her voice. She said it with a sparkle in her voice. She was truly enjoying the moment. Her moment. Clearly reflected in that smile on her face. That big warm smile.

And i was happy for her. Was i left with any other options? Any other would have changed her mood. Soon if not instantaneous. Do i have the heart? Taking away the joy that is so genuine. The kind of joy that sets u glowing and beeming.

To fade the smile? Not for a minute would i let it disappear. Never!

But am i happy?

2008-05-15T20:01:00.003+09:00

Kyongju - Photoshop

19 years ago, i was born to this world. I don’t really know how bad mummy’s labor was but i knew my birth wasn’t easy on anyone. I was a ‘blue’ baby. Overdued by 2 weeks. I was almost drowned in there. I guess i pretty much was scared of being born to this world afterall.

No wonder i’m risk aversed. I knew the first 6 months of my life wasn’t easy on anyone. Being tiny and blue, i guess everybody didn’t think much of me making it past 6 months. But eventually, with God’s will and family members’ prayers, alhamdulillah i’ve made it through this far. Syukur..

Mothers Day had past just around the corner recently. I’m one of those people who were never raised to celebrating these kinda occasions. I don’t recall us actually celebrating the day itself. However, my first 6 months life episode always remind me of how grateful i should be for my mother and how i’ve troubled her in my 19 years of life. And to remind me of how important she has been and will always be in my life.

On any ordinary day, if i were to be asked, whether or not i’ve been a good son and not troublesome to my mother, i would have said YES without a doubt. Eversince i was 8, all i ever consciously did was for this family, for my mother and father. In other words, i think i’ve done some ’sacrifices’ too. On any ordinary day, i’d say everything i do up to this point of my life, i’ve done it to pleased my mother. I took up piano for my mother, studied hard for my mother, i was the obedient son for my mother, i stopped sports for my mother, i worked ma ass off for a scholarship for my mother, i went to university for my mother, i studied Engineering for my mother. And everything i did was for my mother. So that she won’t nag me, so that she won’t yell at me, so that she won’t belittle me, so that she won’t think that i’m some stupid kid. Sounds like i’m blaming her aight?

Perhaps when i was younger, i didn’t have much common sense or i was too much a rebel myself to actually see things clear for once. But now, i can definitely see beyond all that. Despite me claiming that everything i did was for her, making it sounds like it was blaming her but honestly, it was for me. It was all for me. For selfish me. Because i was saving my ass from being nagged, scolded etc….. The blame actually falls on me. I was selfish. TT

I took up piano because i enjoyed the music my neighbour played on her piano every evening. I stopped sports because i wanted to do well in my studies. I worked hard at my studies because i wanted to prove myself worth of something as compared to my other cousins. I was an obedient son, stayed at home much of the time and not outside playing hooky because i’m simply a homely, family person. I worked my ass off for a scholarship because i wanted to go abroad without having to pay much on my own. I went to university coz what else do people do after SPM? I took Engineering coz i was too scared that i might have flunked medic.

And despite all those things i did for me, she never fail to ask me every single evening of my day “How was your day?”. She never fails to show her eagerness and anticipation of wanting to talk to me. Whenever things do go wrong, she’ll yell me a little, scold me a few times and nag endlessly but she will always be there for me. I guess she has her own way of saying she cares.

And now i realize that it’s not about how i perceived my mother made me do things in life, but what i wanted to do for her. Wanting her to be happy, to be proud of me and not be disappointed of me after carrying me for more than 9 months, suffering an ordeal for the first 6 months of my life and every single day there on that i might have offended her in many ways either intended or without intent. I know now that what i do for her is not sacrifices but responsibility that i hold strongly within me to make her feel worthwhile bringing me out to this world.

Mummy, i love you for being you. Thank you for having me as your son.

Can't thank you enough for what you have done.

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-15T19:34:00.002+09:00

Kyongju

Kita letakkan keegoan kita ketepi dan cuba berfikir dengan lebih jauh untuk kebahagiaan dimasa masa hadapan

2008-05-12T23:24:00.003+09:00

thanx kak Azie for the pic

Kuala Lumpur. Mei 2008.

Sentuhan dua jiwa dari dua benua.
Serasinya satu dan bahagia.
Alangkah baiknya jika kesemua manusia
berfikiran terbuka dan menerima kelainan
dengan ikhlas dan reseptif.

2008-05-09T23:58:00.004+09:00

Cheongaeycheon

(i)
The key to survive is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

(ii)
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

2008-05-09T02:46:00.003+09:00

Hi-Seoul

Hari ni saya jalan-jalan ke Chongeycheon

2008-05-07T01:41:00.001+09:00

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.

2008-05-07T01:37:00.004+09:00

Blue vs Orange

2008-05-07T00:49:00.004+09:00

Gelabah
Kyongju - South Korea

(i)
A good football game can have us all on the edge of our seats. Games are all about the glory, pain and the play by play. And then there are the more solitary games. The games we play all by ourselves. The social games, the mind games. We use them to pass the time to make life more interesting... to distract us from what's really going on. There are those of us who love to play games, any games. And there are those of us who love to play a little too much.

(ii)
Life is not a spectator sport. Win, lose, or draw, the game is on. So go ahead... argue with the ref, change the rules, cheat a little, take a break and tend to your wounds. But play. Play. Play hard, play fast... play loose and free. Play as if there's no tomorrow. Okay, so it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game... right?

2008-05-05T02:24:00.002+09:00

i so need a break !!

2008-05-02T02:15:00.004+09:00

Min Sonsaengnim - Kyongju

(i)
You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be – white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill(selalu pompuan le). You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith.The tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true.

(ii)
At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

2008-04-29T15:50:00.002+09:00

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

2008-04-29T15:48:00.002+09:00

(i)
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

(ii)
Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

2008-04-28T01:06:00.005+09:00

Rain - Somewhere - Seoul

26 April - Saturday

It’s 3.16 a.m. and it has just started to rain. I’ve got at 4.00 p.m. football match today and I can’t seem to sleep. I’m anxious perhaps? I don’t know. Disappointed perhaps? Not really, I don’t think so. Mad then? Doesn’t seem like it.

But I’m tired. That much I know very well. I’m feeling it on my waist and hip. It’s that feeling of being drained out.

Suddenly I feel rather mellow. The rain is becoming heavier. The heavy downpour suddenly gives me the creeps. I don’t really know why. But then again, I don’t think I wanna know why. I don’t even wanna think about it.

Why does it rain tonight? I can’t recall the last time it rained at night. It didn’t rained in Seoul very often, did it? I can’t remember. I can’t seem to recall.

The rain triggered some thoughts. Deep thoughts. Deep but trivial I think. Why? Coz it didn’t seem like it mattered much. Seems like? Yeah. You’re assuming? No, I’m guessing. Isn’t it the same? I don’t know. Perhaps. Does it matter? What? The assuming or the guessing or the knowing?

Made me termenung for a moment there while I’m typing this out.

Do you know that feeling when you’re looking, staring at something but you’re not actually looking at it? It’s like you’re looking through it but it’s not exactly see-through so literally you’re not looking through it. Just looking at it actually but yet, as if beyond it. It’s like me staring at my fingers now, typing all these words away while my eyes is pretty much stuck at the Y-key, T-key and the H-key. I’m conscious of what I’m doing but yet I’m not really there. Do you know what I’m trying to say? Does it even make any sense?

Does it have to make any sense?

The rain is slowing down. It’s getting softly. Gentler. The kind that reduces your heartbeat. The type that calms you down. That type. That kind of rain.

There are things we do, that we just do, for the sake of doing it. We don’t really question ourselves why we do it. We don’t bother. We just know that we do it. Do we have to do it? Not sure actually. We never really question it. Does it matter? What? Doing it or questioning it? Don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t know. But then again, do I really want to know? Is it worth knowin? Would it make any difference as to how I would wake up tomorrow morning? Well, actually yes. It would probably make me wake up late. But then again, you’re already sleeping late tonight. What difference does it make? I don’t know. Will it make a difference? Difference on what? The waking up late? Yeah, what else. I don’t know. Could be the sleeping late.

The rain is getting heavier again. It rushes my blood all through my veins. I can’t relax now. I’m sitting up already.

Why do I feel this way tonight? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But then again, I don’t think I want to know. Do I need to know? Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Can’t I just freely feel what I want to feel? Why do I keep having to question myself? Why do I need certainty? Why do I need to be sure all the time? Why?

Because we all know that we live in a word of uncertainty. Some sense of it would make us feel we’re somehow in control of one thing in this uncertain world of ours. It’s an illusion of control actually. It’s not even actual control. Just an illusion of it.

That’s the problem with us all. We believe in the illusions of things, of matters and of everything around us. We are the biggest illusionists to ourselves. We concoct up an illusion of what we want or what we think to suit our need for self-comfort. We are the biggest feeder of illusions to our soul. We are masterminds. Everyday. Every time. We know nothing is certain but yet, we still want to believe in it.

What are we? We are nothing but liars.

The only thing in life that is certain is our history. That’s solid certain. Nothing you can do will shake the certainty out of it. And there’s no need for illusions when it’s certainty. So, history carries no illusions. It’s real. All real. Just real. Realsm.

At the same time, I’m quite certain I’m wasting my time with this entry. But then again, no, I don’t think so. I think I do have a point to make across. Do I? I think I do. How certain are you that you do? Almost certain, actually. In what sense? You’re still reading aren’t you? Yeah, of course I am. That’s because you’re still typing it. So what if I stop typing? Then I’ve got no choice but to stop reading. Why do you have to stop? Because I won’t have anything to read.

True. I need an audience and you need a star. Don’t we complement each other? We do. You think so? I know so. How sure are you? I’m sure. Why do you say that? Say what? The complement part or the knowing for sure part? Both.

What’s perfect is not about how alike you are. Or how you are an exact clone of one another. It’s never that. Perfectness is about matching. It’s about needing and providing. It’s about giving and taking. It’s about charging and retracting. That’s what perfect match is all about. It’s the complementing. Like the Yin and Yang symbol. They match, perfectly. They need one another. They complement one another. That’s perfect.

Perfect is about your differences uniting you as one. Two becomes one. Unity. A match. Perfect match. Perfect.

Don’t you think we’re perfect?

5.43 a.m

2008-04-24T18:44:00.004+09:00

Insadong

Ketika mimpi-mimpi sederhana kami hampir wujud menjadi kenyataan…Ketika keinginan untuk merawat bunga di taman hati telah kami mulai……… Maka, saat itulah sujud syukur kami aturkan kepada-Nya, kerana hanya Dia yang mampu menegarkan kaki-kaki kecil kami dalam menapaki jalan ini………

2008-04-24T18:35:00.001+09:00

Basikal oh Basikal
Seoul

Manusia jadi defensif bila mereka rasa kedudukan mereka tergugat. Terancam. Boleh juga mereka bertindak sedemikian bila mereka merasakan diri mereka bersalah atau mungkin dipersalahkan. Meskipun, belum tentu lagi mereka sebenarnya bersalah.

Manusia jadi defensif kerana mereka mahu orang mendengar alasan mereka. Atau mahu orang menyetujui apa yang mereka rasa, buat dan fikir, selalunya. Mereka bina pagar kebal untuk senang menyangkal.

Namun begitu, jika difikirkan lagi, manusia yang laju dan konfiden meluahkan pendapat dan menegaskan pendirian, sebenarnya juga seunsur defensif. Menyerang tanggapan orang sekeliling untuk menidakkan tanggapan luar yang mungkin membuat kesimpulan liar terhadap diri mereka. Mereka tegar dan tegas, walau jauh dalam diri mereka tercabar dan peribadi berdebar.

2008-04-23T16:46:00.003+09:00

World Cup Stadium Park

Won’t it be nice if my dreams jumped into reality?

2008-04-23T13:17:00.005+09:00

I know most people would be aware of the old movie titled Orang Minyak. Orang Minyak mission, i.e. practical assignment to complete his 'degree', if I'm not mistaken, was to go about undressing 44 maidens (who must be in deep slumber). This orang minyak **guy, would go in search of the maiden, in the nude with his body lathered with minyak hitam.

**a guy gets to be oily orang minyak, while girl gets to be cool Mystique. yumss..

I guess these days, requirements such as that would be very hard to complete. Isu harga minyak yang mahal to waste unnecessarily, and the potential problem in removing the oil slick in time to go to work, to avoid the jam, might prove to be too much.

And walaupun unmarried maiden are abundant, methinks that maidenhead would be a scarce commodity, what with young girls, some as young as 13, are doing the lambada.

With HIV figure continues rising, STD rampant, kang tak pepasal kena AIDS or gonorrhea. ish,tak berbaloi.

2008-04-20T20:20:00.005+09:00

Click the pic for larger view

Can people predict the future with cards?My mom can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my dad gets back home.^^

Your arms were always open when I needed a hug. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly. I wish I could sit here and give you words to describe what my mother means to me. There aren't enough words in the dictionary. I don't know how she did it.

2008-04-20T17:11:00.003+09:00

I need to do some self cleansing for the soul real soon. Seeing how fuctup my life is at the moment.. i so need a break. A short one. Something that helps to keep my feet on the ground. CONSTANTLY.

6.42 a.m - ZZzz

2008-04-20T16:40:00.002+09:00

Did you catch that one particular episode of X-Files where Mulder met this genie and subsequently she granted him his 3 wishes, each in its own warped kinda way. One wish of which Mulder wished for a world where there is no war, only everlasting peace, and she granted him that wish, only Mulder to find himself living in the world alone, everlasting peace indeed.

Just to relate to that, I think I have a morbid way of getting my wishes too. Sometimes I believe my brain pulled a prank on me, showing that it too has a sense of humor. My brain probably thinks that I need to light up, thus it 'helped' me to get my wishes, albeit in weird ways.

Anyway, who am I to question my brain reacting subconsciously to answer my own wishes right. Hmm, just like what MIV like to quote from that book of his, ""when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". However, in my case, it is not the universe, it is just my subconscious 'giving' me what my heart desires.

Let me illustrated, as there were a few incidents that smelt a tad too fishy.

1. June 2005 - My cousin's car has dual airbags both for the driver and the passenger. I was very, very curious on how airbag would function. I think I asked around how it would work and I could not stop thinking about it; you know the mechanics of the how and the when.

Fascinatingly yet inopportunely I got a live demonstration when about 2 weeks from the day I started to nose around I was involved in an accident. I was not going that fast, may be around 60km/hr on Jalan Loke Yew (at that time that road kan jam memanjang), but I was distracted and I didn't get a chance to react properly when the car in front of me stopped suddenly.

Wallawei, first hand experience on how the air bag would be activated at the moment of impact. Cool. Though it was too fast for the brain to actually record a blow-by-blow account of it. All I remember were the slight chest pain from the impact of the airbag hitting my chest and slight burn from the jarring impact of the seat belt. My cousin's slightly over a year old car was out of service for a few months just so my brain can satisfy my thirst (wish) for knowledge. But nevertheless, I live to tell the tale.

to be continued in the next posting..

2008-04-18T20:43:00.006+09:00

I wish a wish for u.Its a wish I wish for few.The wish I wish for u is that all ur wishes come true so keep wishing as my best wishes are always with u. All the best in your exam!

I grabbed a coin,

Flipped it in the air & said,
“Head, I go to sleep.”

Tail, I watch a movie.

If it stands on the edge I’ll study:p

2008-04-18T16:07:00.007+09:00

World Cup Stadium Park - Seoul

Aku tahu kamu berdua malu,~~tapi mahu~~

2008-04-17T19:30:00.002+09:00

World Cup Stadium Park

Apa yang dicari sebenarnya?
keinginan kita?
keinginan dia?
atau keinginan Dia?

2008-04-17T19:18:00.005+09:00

World Cup Stadium Park - Haneul Park

(i)
Terima kasih Tuhan,
Untuk setiap detik bahagia dan sedihku, aku tak dapat mengatakan yang lain kecuali rasa syukur.

(ii)
Terima kasih mama,
Untuk namaku yang kau sebut di setiap doamu, untuk setiap dongeng yang kau ceritakan menjelang tidurku, dan setiap harapan yang kau bisikan dalam mimpiku.

(iii)
Terima kasih Ayah,
Untuk setiap titis keringat yang kau korbankan,untuk setiap semangat yang kau tanamkan,
akan ku buktikan bahawa aku mampu.

(iv)
Terima kasih Adik,
Untuk ejekanmu dan semua tingkah bodohmu,untuk setiap gurauan dan perhatianmu,meskipun aku jarang mengatakan ini padamu,aku bangga dan sayang padamu,jangan menyerah dalam langkahmu.

(v)
Terima kasih Teman,
Untuk setiap tawa,untuk setiap tangan yg membantu,setiap telinga yang kalian pinjamkan,tanpa aku banyak berkata,aku tahu kalian pasti mengerti.

(vi-i))
Dan untuk Kamu,
meskipun kamu tidak tahu dan tidak menyedari,kamu salah satu alasan aku tetap semangat melangkah,mengingatmu membuat aku tersenyum sekaligus membuat aku menangis,
tapi tidak mengapa selama kamu bahagia aku akan tetap tersenyum,

(vi-ii)
terima kasih untukmu juga,
perjuangkan dia untuk mimpi-mimpi yang akan kau buat nyata.

p/s : tu dia ayat..jiwang nyer..adeh

2008-04-14T22:39:00.004+09:00

World Cup Stadium Park - Haneul Park

(i)
Back then when i was 7, LOVE was supposed to be easy and simple.
At 17, LOVE is so overrated and corrupted. with all sorts of nonsense.
It took me 10 years to realize that. Wasted.
Don't worry, only for now. I might change my mind later.

(ii)
Sometimes u juz wish u could quit the opposite sex altogether.
BUT
can live with 'em and can't live without 'em.
SO
choose wisely.
COZ
u don't wanna wake up someday and regret it for the rest of ur life.

2008-04-14T22:24:00.004+09:00

World Cup Stadium - Haneul Park

Whenever u r doing things on ur own / alone, probably doing your fav things (even if it's in the toilet doing number 2), ur mind started working and wondering. And u started writing of things that happened during the day or whatever that came across ur mind that required some thinking but only that it's written in ur head, so that u could make some quick analysis of the whole picture while doing whatever u r doing at that point of time. I know i usually ended up writing a lengthy one coz whenever i'm done, my mind get exhausted easily. Talk about multitasking. Huh.

So i log on, trying to blog and recall whatever i've written in my head earlier on, only to stare at the screen blankly for the longest time. And that happened like more than 5-6 times yesterday. And i end up logging out from blogger.com. And started surfing on something else.

2008-04-14T01:15:00.008+09:00

Angin kuat woi~!

Hahaha..i cant stop laughing reading this essay written by my brother for his oral test..rasa bangga pun ada gak sebenarnye.. eheh..got this from my cousin..syhh ~ don't tell him.

Good morning to teacher and friends.

I’m sure that everyone here loves their own family. To me family is very important. When you are sad you can throw all your sadness to them because i believe they are the only person who will be there when you feel down, give us support and help get our feet back on the ground.

Sometimes we look in all the wrong places and to all the wrong people to get the support we need. It's taken me a while to learn that friendship can be found closer than you think, even in your own home. Growing up, I knew I always had a great friend in my brother. Besides the biological connection we share, there's the common ground and shared history that has kept my brother and me bonded.

And today I am proud to stand here in front of you guys to tell you about my brother.

He is 5 years older than me. When we were little kids ,we usually argue about small things ,such candy or tools .But now ,we are both grown up .We respect each other and understand each other .When I have a difficult matter that i don't know how to tackle , i always seek his help .Even sometimes i find him annoying i have to accept him as my brother because he is older than me. Like they said, younger has to respect the elders. He has an issue with arrogance that really needs to be worked on. It can be draining being around him sometimes because he acts like he is the only person in the world that is "right". I often get sick and tired of his delusions of grandeur but i love him. My brother and I have our ups and downs. Sometimes we argue, get on each others nerves and annoy each other. On the other hand, we do talk to each other about our problems and he lets me use his belongings. I let him use my belongings. I can truly say that I love my brother even if he gets angry at me and loses his temper.

He is now in South Korea, furthering his study in engineering field. I hope he will graduate well from his university. I'm also hoping that he could marry Korean girl. If he can marry Korean girl that’s mean I will have Korean sister-in-law. Isn't it great? haha

Without him growing up would have been very different because we've been growing up together since we were kids. We shared our joys and happiness. We did share our thoughts and problems. And I am very grateful to have such person in my life.

We had—and still have—a strong bond. Through the years, I probably went to my brother too few times when I was having trouble. I wish I had gone to him more often because he has a sweet and caring soul. The times I did confide in him felt very good. My pain or heartache never needed a context or an explanation. That is a feeling I experience so rarely in my life these days—feeling completely understood without even speaking. More often than not, my path feels lonely. But I've realized that discovering my own aloneness is even more of a reason to cherish a sibling I can relate to and confide in. Sometimes that is all one has, and it can be a most precious and enduring resource.

*Grammar & spelling mistakes? malas nak check.

p/s : Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. ^^

2008-04-13T04:59:00.003+09:00

A forest bird never wants a cage.

2008-04-13T04:41:00.004+09:00

To all of you that have written me your condolences:

One thing I learnt is to always tell the person that you care about how you feel about them. Don't wait or be shy about it.

I know our culture is a tad conservative on showing emotions, but please disregard the constraints, give that someone a hollar or a hug to show them that you care. Trust me you'll not be poorer for such display.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate them.

2008-04-13T04:32:00.003+09:00

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

2008-04-10T00:40:00.006+09:00

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

First, I will need to apologize, for this entry will definitely ruffles some feathers, hope none of 'em feathers are like that one character in X-Men who has steal feathers/blades as his wings (**can't bloody well remembers his name**).. I don't understand people's fascination with reality shows.

All in all, even though i personally hate that "you're fired" dude, i read that the show is actually good for us to see how the real corporate world works. Fine, I can accept that. But the rest, like eeuuuu.

For me there are 3 types:

1. Fear Factors or Simple Life or Amazing Race - the concepts are similar, they played it again and again. How many times can people watch contestants having their fills of -slimy/yukky/so-called tough- -dining/travel experiences-. Why are people interested to see an heiress lives the low-down, she will always go back to her roots once they shouted 'cut'?

2. Akademi Fantasia or Audition - I mean I can salute the participant's courage and 'muka tembok' to audition for these shows, and it kinda funny watching the 'what were you thinking about!" denizen, but what about the viewer, the people who come back again and again to shed tears/forking out their hard earn money to vote, crying over some poor chap who don't even know the viewers existences, this one really escapes me lah.. btw, who the heck watch Audition? May be only close families and friends do. Among all these mass produced 'artists', the only one that most people take their hats off is Jac. Man, how many of our current entertainers share her caliber?

3. Average Joe or For Love or Money or The Bachelor - wtf.. how many boobies you want to see? I mean you see it once, ie the first season, then you've seem them all.

Most of these shows contained plots that read just like Danielle Steel's novel, you read one of her books and you pretty much read/cover the entire collection...sigh, the quality of entertainment today..

This begets the question, is it only me and my few friends in Malaysia that have this opinions, are we an endangered species?

2008-04-10T00:25:00.004+09:00

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

I was lolling around.

Thinking about nothing and everything.

Fuzzily, the Japanese anime Death Note came to mind. How a person will be dead moments after his name is written in that note book.

If I were to choose 5 people that I would see dead soon, they would be..

1. The person who did Nurin Jazlin – but a small voice said what if the perpetrator does not know that what he did was bad. What if he is sick in the mind? Then I’m not being fair, I can't simulteneously be the judge and jury. Hmm.. So scraped that idea.

2. Then how about the person who raped and killed Nurul Anira – tried hard but I can’t find any reason not to cancel him out.

I got to number 2 only. I can’t do this. Conscience would not let me, even if they are just idle thoughts (my thoughts not the person on my death note) and scumbag (the person on my death note, not my thoughts).

So, I think I’ll change the theme; it should be what secrets that I wish would be revealed to the public.

Thus, my greatest wish for the truth today are:

1. To find the person who was responsible for Nurin Jazlin and Nurul Anira death. (And for the other countless missing kids found.)

2. How does the Malaysian PM’s mind works? Is he in touch with reality or forever entrenched in deep sleep?

Do you have anything you wish to know (or have someone on your death wish) - care to share. :-)

2008-04-05T19:19:00.003+09:00

(i)

You heard the siren blaring, then you see an ambulance racing down the street, you automatically think that o-o someone's in trouble. You wish that the ambulance would get to its destination quickly as it clearly is a life and death matter. But, you know that won't be the case, and as always the main roads in Kuala Lumpur is in a gridlock. So now, you can see the ambulance is trapped in the traffic. Then you hear another siren blaring, you are like, this is bad, another ambulance going to get stuck in front of you. But, lo and behold it is not another ambulance, it is a convoy of police outriders flanking some VIP's car maneuvering the traffic. In a matter of second, the VIP's car is smoothly on its way to some God knows errant, and that pitiful ambulance is still stucked in the traffic. I'm wondering which one is more important, a VIP that clearly has poor time management that he has to have outriders clearing the way for him so that he will not be late for that stupid luncheon or what-not, or that guy in the ambulance fighting for his life. May be I'm a simpleton since clearly the system prefers the VIP. Probably the system's way of ensuring only the fittest survive huh.

(ii)

I have nothing against Siti, if she wants to milk everything in sight, then by all means go ahead. It is just that I'm wondering why one of the ministries gave Siti an award/recognition when she managed to perform in London, in a place she rented for a night, performing in front of mostly Malaysian audiences. Because on the other side, there is Raihan. I mean, Raihan toured the whole of France, and it was by invitation, performing in front of European, and they have also performed in front of Prince Charles and the Queen, but nobody gives a hoot. I guess Raihan is not as pretty as Siti, that's why no one cares. I cannot also blame Siti, if people insisted on giving her things, the least she could do is accept them gracefully kan. And I guess listening to lyrics asking you to practice good values and remembering your maker are not as entertaining as listening to songs about unrequited love or passionate loving. Whatever lah, what ever floats your boat lah Mr. Minister.

(iii)

The ability of the hills and trees to imitate Oreo cookies. Now you see it, now you don't. One day there is a green forest in front of your house, then the next day it become a desert of red colored earth. It does make me wonder if Tree Sheppard exists. You know like those Tree Sheppards in the LOTR. They can herd trees to another locations when the needs arise. May be the trees move to another less smoggy area. If we human can tolerate smog/haze, doesn't mean that the trees can take it standing too.

2008-04-03T00:36:00.004+09:00

From the week's many a conversation with various people, I have a few follow-up questions to ask:

Will the sight of healthy juicy cleavage ever bore you if you have to view them all the time?
If Superman cannot find anyone from his home planet to start a family, can he mengawan with a makhluk bumi successfully?
Why is it wrong to hate Barney? *I truly enjoyed the scene in the movie Nine Months where one of the characters beat the crap out of Barney. Kudos to everyone involved in that scene.
How is that show Malaysian Most Beautiful is relevant to Malaysian? What is the relevance of beauty and showing the contestants talking about other people behind their back aka mengumpat, going for a work out - showing the contestants are not fit, going to a beauty salon - showing the contestants have high body fat, etc? Why do they have to define beauty? *what a waste of the 10 mins of my life.
Why does Miss Earth has to parade on the stage wearing a bikini? Why don't they wear something made out of fresh materials from mother earth like mud or bouquet of flowers or coconut shell or big leaves? How is parading around in a bikini has anything to do with the Earth - Are we going to offer the reigning Miss Earth as a sacrifice if the alien invaded us?

please feel free to divulge your thoughts. *yes, I'm bored out of my skull.

2008-04-01T23:34:00.007+09:00

Insadong - Seoul

I have been having too many bizarre dreams lately.

Even a 10 minutes nap would take me somewhere I do not want to go - empty fluttering heart, wonderingly gazing into a pair of hazel eyes, blood pounding wielding sword fighting the baddies, steadfast chanting of prayers to fight dark shadows, doing the mundane - joy, hurt, terrified, bewilder, all in a swirling mist.

Psychologist said your dreams are most times the manifestation of your inner demon/angel, a representation of your needs, your cravings. But sometimes..

Sometimes I get hopelessly lost.

I can't make head or tail of my quest, and what is worse is that I can't seem to find my way to my destination. No matter how many maps I referred to or how many people I'd stopped to ask for direction, I still can't find my way.

These dreams often left me feeling disoriented. The wounds would still pained even though they are just from bizarre dreams.

Last night I watched The Drew Carey show. There is a scene where Drew and Kate were talking in the bar.

Drew: I still love you.
Kate: Yeah, but I'm in love with someone else.

Ouch! kesian Drew.. this prompt another round of odd dreams.

p/s : that day she told me "last nite i dreamt bout u.".^^

w a r n a p i l i h a n m u ?

2008-03-30T17:05:00.010+09:00

Jeju Island - South Korea

Apa pun pengabadian warna pilihanmu, pastikan ianya sentiasa terang. Jadilah diri sendiri. Buatlah jiwamu bebas tanpa harus terpaku pada sesuatu.

2008-03-30T01:28:00.019+09:00

Yoeido Park - Seoul

I am someone who is disillusion/jaded with love. I stand by my statement when I wrote love is such a fleeting feeling. Yes, there is the 'love' that exists between single people that can lead to marriage and then the love within the honeymoon period. However, at this moment, at this time, I can say that I don’t believe in love that transcends the wear and tear of time. I do believe in lust though. I think to some extent lust induces love as I don't think love really exist. Because once the lust is not there anymore, love will be fleeting. Look at the number of divorces, unwed mothers and out of wed-lock sexual encounters.
I believe I've been through a lot and I’ve seen a lot too, that I think love without iman will be very hard to sustain/nurture. Why so many marriages crumble, or the marriage last but it is because of the children. If it is love between a husband and a wife, then how come some of them who have been married for some years and have a few kids in tow said most of the conversations they have with their partners now are about their children. Does the individual ceased to exist, now it is the child did this, the child did that, what about how's your day dear or what would make you content dear.
For someone that is so much in love with your partner, do tell me how you would feel 5 years from now. Or can you remember who was your love 5 years ago. Yes, there are exception to the rule, there are people who actually found someone who loves them for who they are and the gesture is returned.
Note: The only love that I can somehow believe in is the love between the child and the parents. That’s it. That’s the only love that I believe transcended all boundaries and expectations. That kind of love comes from the heart. (For this rambling I’m excluding the love between us and our maker/prophet).
I think if I can keep my partner interest and command his respect that would be enough for a start. I have stop believing Or is it may be I don't want to be vulnerable and saddled with the expectation/responsibility of love. Sad reality or I've embraced the hard truth...

2008-03-30T01:23:00.003+09:00

Tiba-tiba teringat apa ustaz aku cakap, kita hidup ni tak lama. Masa baru lahir, kita diazankan di telinga kanan dan di iqamatkan di telinga kiri. Nanti sebelum jenazah kita di kebumikan, kita akan disembahyangkan. Ustaz tuh kata, cuba ingatkan diri, berapa ketika yang berlalu antara azan dan sembahyang. Macam itulah lamanya/sekejapnya masa kita di dunia ini.

-Tersentak sekejap-

p/s : when the time comes, we'll go. the question is how do we want our soul to part from the body - screaming in pain or sailing peacefully towards the light? we decide by the way we live our moment now.

2008-03-27T16:56:00.002+09:00

Sakura - Yoeido Park

scent of passion lost..

It is the normal afternoon malee on a Thursday. Orderly chaos of people trying to get their meals, drinking their drinks and chatting up their friends.

I sat at the edge, in a corner, watching, listening, the white noises of the world.

I usually do not mind being by myself. In fact I find it easier to breath and to think when I’m alone; let loose all those tranquil cacophony that pass as neuron pulses in my brain.

But unfortunately, this moment is not as such. I find the calmness eluded me. I’m not sure why but somehow today it bothers me that I feel isolated from the dins.

a recalcitrant glitch on the things that I kept locked deep in the recess of my soul. a memory of something that is not supposed to see the light of days ever again.

At this moment, it matters not that I study abroad. It matters not that I had the opportunity to travel and experience other cultures. It matters not that I graduated from a good school with an above average results. It matters not that I am fit and glowing with pink health. It matters not…

None of these and those mattered when all I want at this very moment is to be on top of that stairs, spending my time with you, watching you smiling, inspiring me with your thoughts and emotions, soothing my life and calming my passion for you. And at that moment knowing that the fluttering feeling of love is possible, though it was impossible. Painful. But feasting on your presence, quenching my parched heart of hunger. Hungry for an acknowledgement that I am, even for a moment of a heartbeat, is love by a woman, a decent, kind-hearted, lovely woman.

What I would not give to be on top of that stairs again, knowing none that I can pay up, not my tears, not my blood, not my soul, can be exchange for an eternity of that moment, a heartbeat of love requited.

2008-03-26T00:42:00.002+09:00

As i grow older... i noticed that i keep on doing stupid and unthinkable stuff which i couldn't imagine doing it 10 years ago.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I think i'm going insane... by just doing things, without thinking.. or just using my knee as the brain.. and then later regret on the outcome / consequences. It's been happening a lot lately to the extent, i keep on questioning myself over and over again - why did i do it in the first place, what the hell is wrong with me, what was i thinking etc

Is it true that when people said, as u grow older.. u'll be more mature and know how to handle life better?

Perhaps, i'm just different. Too different.

2008-03-26T00:40:00.000+09:00

i love ulat gonggoks.

its just the cutest wittle thingie ever! touch, curl up, touch curl up!

hehehe!!

2008-03-24T02:43:00.002+09:00

My body clock is running wild. My timetable has gone haywire. I mean to the opposite extreme as compared to my daily timetable. Gone are the days when i wake up at 3am. Gone are the days when i go to sleep at 12am. Gone are the days when sleep was actually enough. Gone are the days when i feel fresh at 3am. Gone with the wind. But no, i’m not complaining. Because i know, i’m trading this routine for something else in return. Something that puts a smile on my face.

My recent encounters with she got me thinking out loud bout few things (Psst.. you know what i mean. hehehehe). And one of it was about human’s emotional behaviour. I like to observe how people i know behave to different elements and situations in their life. I find it really interesting how 2 people would react rather differently in an exact same situation. Why in particular ‘people i know’ is because knowing them gives me an insight to what may actually influenced them to such emotional behavioural response. I mean, watching strangers works just fine by me but the ambiguity surrounding strangers gives rise to more doubtful speculation than probable cause. But of course, if facts were really the heart of the matter, then the best way to shut ambiguity away would be me being the guinea pig of my own observations. At least i know that deep down, if im being honest with myself, i can differentiate moments when im being true to myself and when im sugar coating things for the sake of self-comfort.

Some people i know are like raw eggs. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by people they trust, they start to fall apart. They tend to remind me of the song All or Nothing by Cher.

Some other people i know are like jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. The have no emotional barriers and they are often easily manipulated and used by others. These people tend to remind me of the song Sindrom A Minor.

And other people i know are like onions. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer, when and under what circumstances. They also know at which layer to stop before they get scared. Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others at each different layers, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

Onions do not practise universal mistrust of others. They are simply discerning people who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to got to the next layer with another person.

The happiest people i know are onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner. And they know exactly when to bring such people to the next layer.

2008-03-23T02:19:00.003+09:00

(i)
Mereka lakukan semua atas nama cinta. Mungkin tidak sampai hajat, walau setelah menempuh berjenis pertelingkahan dan debat. Masing-masing mahu tegakkan keinginan dan anjurkan bangga.

Tetapi mereka sendiri tidak tahu apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia mahu. Dalam kesibukan perang politik, media, empati dan manusia kesayangannya.

(ii)
Kadangkala kita tidak tahu hari ini akan membawa kita ke mana. Siang, selepas membuka mata dari lena, kita sudah ada rutin yang menggerakkan mobiliti kita - bertujuan, bertempat, ikut masa. Namun, sekerap mana, objektif hidup disemak oleh minda dalam sehari? Mungkin sekali dua, ketika mandi atau sebelum ke tempat kerja, ataupun ketika masuk tidur. Jadi, selain masa itu, apa yang kita ingat, apa yang ingin dilaku, di mana segala tumpu?. Bayangan samar kan.

Dan bila sesekali aku terasa dan berendam saat kelam ini, aku sentiasa beringat. Dalam kesamaran ini pasti ada nur, didampingi gembira dan membongkah senyum tawa.

Mungkin dalam kesamaran itu, ada bahagianya.

2008-03-20T16:46:00.007+09:00

Dear Zakirah,

It's hurt when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them. It hurts so much that when you cry tears doesn't even help. It's sad how things change. Isn't it?

That's what we called life aye?A roller coaster. It's got its ups and downs, but in the end it was worth it. Be patient with life, despite its cruelty.

I'll bet you've had about enough of people telling you how strong you are and how strong you are doing during this awful, difficult period of your life

I hope those hardship make you realize now that every hardship in your life or relationship has provided an opportunity for more soul growth. The low spots in your relationship, the times you didn't feel love, gave you so much more gratitude for the love that was and is there all the time. Every dark time has allowed you to more deeply appreciate and experience the light that is within you. Every argument, every tense moment, every sad time has, by its very contrast, brought renewed appreciation of the times of love.

If you can only be more patient with and accepting of the difficulties in life, you will more deeply receive the gifts and blessings of life. Sometimes it took you a long time and much painful boomeranging of your expectations to finally understand the real meaning of life.

What's the problem with being childish sometimes? There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. It's only that when you were a child, you spake as a child, you acted as a child, you understood as a child, you thought as a child, but when you grew older, you should put away silly childish things.

During this difficult period of life I do believe all you need is just a loving hand to hold and a caring heart to understand. Treat him well. Tell him how much you care and appreciate him.

Till then.

Bunch of loves n cares from Seoul.

2008-03-19T19:03:00.001+09:00

(i) Beritahu aku. Dunia berputar mengelilingimu atau kamu yang berputar mengikuti dunia itu. Pilih. Pilih satu.

(ii) Encik Lah, bukan menteri-menteri itu saja yang harus isytihar harta kekayaan mereka. Keluarga serta saudara mara mereka juga. Bukankah itu cabang kronisme yang rakyat tidak suka? Hanya orang yang bodoh saja yang akan simpan kekayaan (hasilan kedudukan, status dan kuasa) mereka di dalam keluarga untuk dengan sukarela diisytiharkan kepada semua mata.

(iii) Aduh! Siapa yang meminggirkan nasib orang Melayu? Orang cina yang kaya raya dan rajin-rajin itu? Atau orang Melayu itu sendiri yang gagal meraih peluang, berkorban dan segan dengan kekayaan? Walau dengan ketiadaan bantuan pun, ramai orang Cina berjaya, kenapa tidak orang melayu yang selalu disalurkan dengan pelbagai habuan? Apa? Orang Melayu bangsat yang di atas makan semua hidangan??

(iv) Apa yang kamu lakukan untuk memudahkan kehidupan mereka yang susah hari ini?

2008-03-18T14:45:00.004+09:00

Boy : Last time I saw you, you called me a liar.

Girl : Things have changed. I believe you now

2008-03-16T16:50:00.004+09:00

Jeju Island - Ren Shen & Chin Pey

Do you guys remember the song Every Hurt by REM. This song comes to mind because I feel so much sadness in people around me. Yes, there are some who are happy, but their happiness are overshadowed by the sadness that I can feel permeating every nook and cranny of my life.

My life is ok, but I become sad as I see people around me struggling with their lives with every imaginable problems. The most I can do is listened to their account of sorrows, and if I could I would help in other ways too. But sometimes it feels that what I’m capable of doing is not enough. This is when I sit on the sejadah and pled with God.

I wish to all the people around me, you will find the strength to stand up again and in the mean time I’m here if you need me.

My prayers for what small comfort it can gives will always be for you.

2008-03-15T23:24:00.001+09:00

Seoul - Snowing

I read in one of our newspapers that a normal person carries dried up faeces to the crappy amount of 2 to 4kg (an interesting fact if my memory served my correctly). It further stated that chronic constipation sufferer could load up to 10 kg. I guess from now onwards, if someone accuses me with “you are a load of crap”, I should not take offense. After all the person is only telling the truth, right.

2008-03-15T02:18:00.001+09:00

Endah Villa - Oktober 2006

Keluhan seterusnya.

Seandainya manusia dapat memahami betapa besarnya makna setiap barisan ayat ringkas yang timbul ini. Bagus kan. Jadi tidaklah mereka terlepas apa yang ingin aku sampaikan. Apa yang ingin aku detikkan, buat mereka perasan.

Misal aku tulis "Lidah lagi tajam dan berbisa dari keris yang ditusuk ke dada".

Ayat biasa didengar bukan. Yang sekalirap sudah difahami maksudnya. Tapi. Tapi adakah mereka yang membaca dapat mengaitkan ungkapan itu ke dalam konteks diri mereka. Sebagaimana aku cuba menghuraikan kedalaman natijahnya kepada diriku. Baru ayat mudah itu difahami dan dimengertikan sebagaimana ia ingin dimengertikan.

Namun, adakah mereka yang membaca ada masa untuk memikiri dan membuat semua itu. Selalunya manusia membaca ~~blog picisan ini~~ untuk sekadar membaca. Tertakung bacaan itu di minda tetapi tidak sampai ke dalam jiwa. Tidak menjadi bahan sentuhan jiwa yang komunal.

Jika sesuatu ayat pendek mampu ditangguk nilainya yang dalam jiwa, alangkah bertuahnya. Bertuahnya akulah. Justeru, tidak payahlah aku kerap-kerap mengeluh bahan yang sama di sini berkali-kali, lantas menjadikan wacana seperti ini wadah yang mendatangkan katarsis untuk diri sendiri. Untuk beranggapan dan berharap ada di antara mereka yang di luar sana, persis berfikiran dan berperasaan sepertiku.

Katarsis yang self-healing, mungkin?

2008-03-14T15:14:00.003+09:00

Everland - Seoul

"Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like,
because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

What if the person that u love doesn’t love u back the way u want it to be? Would it be worth to love someone without expecting anything in return? Even the least we could expect is to love me the way i love u? And within the same period of time, u met someone else that u like/fancy and that someone likes u back, probably there’s a chance of something might develop from there? Which way would u choose? Round the circle and back to square one?

Have u ever been caught in such situation? Where u have to choose. Make the ultimate choice on which way to go. To stay or to leave. To hold on or to let go. Well, i guess everyone has their own reason for the choice that they have to make. It's either for the sake of themselves or for the sake of everyone around them. Is it worth gambling such risk? Probably it is. Even for short term happiness. And it would be a lifetime bonus for long term happiness. Lucky bastards. And who wouldn't want that? Huh.

But the question is, would u ever know whether u make the right choice? Such risk.

2008-03-14T00:53:00.003+09:00

Jeju Island - 2006

5 weird things about ME.

1.
I read everything, anywhere + anytime (but not in my sleep, duh). Even while eating tosei at mamak or roti bakar at fav kopitiam. From the smallest flyers lying on the floor or even old newspaper found on the coffee table pun, i baca. Even if it's outdated. Even if it's boring. Even it's stupid or ntah apa2.
2.
I read magazines and newspaper from back to front. From the last page to the front page. Not like i read sports column in the paper pun. Or even bother to notice the perfume/comp/hp ad at the back cover of any mag.
3.
I don't eat meat. Any form of meat. Be it raw, half cooked, fried or whatever. satay ker. nasi goreng daging ker. Daging masak merah ker. So u wanna dig any secret from me, u can strap me to the chair and force me to swallow meat. Or juz hold my jaw with apit G and masukkan daging into my mouth. I'll tell u everything. Like every single thing. But i can eat daging burger.Kalau xmakan daging burger tak tau la.Hilang satu nikmat tu
4.
I can never stay focus at one topic. I'll sway from topic A to topic B and topic C at the same time and then jump back to topic A. Ppl get confused easily coz they alwiz thought whenever i asked them question while still discussin topic B and C, where else i was referring to topic .
5.
I can eat chocolate at anytime of the day. Even when i juz woke up from my sleep, brush my teeth, wash my face and eat choc straight away. Even at 6 in the morn.

PLEASE KEEP THESE INFO TO URSELF ONLY. IT'S BETWEEN U AND ME.