My nose is bleeding again.

힘.내.자.

Remember when I said to you that you were always longing for recognition from me? I think it was not recognition that you seek, but instead an acknowledgement.

Acknowledgement that is far more meaningful than just to be recognized.

네가 너무 반가웠는데 그저 무뚝뚝한 소리로 전화 받은 거 많이 미안해.

반가운 마음을 꺼내려는데 다른 마음이 그걸 막아.

누가 볼까 두리번거리고 누가 들을까 내 귀가 쫑긋 서는 이 현상. 나의 비겁함.

나의 오래된 무사함의 노하우이지만 지금은 이런 내가 싫어.

사실 내내 널 생각이었는데 안 놀랐을 리가 있겠어.

내내 네 전화가 오면 어떻게 하나, 아니 오지 않으면 어떻게 하나.

아침부터 안절부절 못했는데 네 목소리를 들으니 갑자기 겁이 났어.

내 마음이 전혀 내 마음대로 되지 않는, 세상에 이런 순간이 있나 봐.

마음은 반가워 죽겠는데, 혀는 심술쟁이처럼 굳어져 목구멍에서 말줄임표들이 요동을 쳐.

갑자기 내가 살아있다는 사실이 아슬아슬하게 느껴졌어.

내가 뜻하지 않은 이 치명적인 거짓말, 너에게 미안해.

이렇게 가짜 목소리와 가짜 표정과 가짜 마음을 내놓다니…. 이토록 깊이 출렁이는 심연을

이토록 감쪽같이 감추다니…. 미안해. 이 부끄러움은 내내 자신에 대한 사나운 침 뱉기.

자신을 향해 내지르는 욕지기. 그래서 영영 널 똑바로 바라보지 못하는, 감정의 물타기인걸아.

나를 좋게 보지 마. 미안해. 나 많이 우스운걸. 이제 너에 대해 무슨 감정을

표현하는 일까지도 미안해져. 정말 미안해.

이 어수선한 침묵을 쓸쓸한 눈으로 바라보고 있는 너에게.

I wish the world could stop for a while; something like the earth to stop spinning for a minute if possible.

I just want a moment to myself. For that moment to froze just for me.

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

What was it?

Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

p/s : I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

i) Mungkin suatu hari nanti, bila kita bangun dari tidur, perasaan untuk ingin tahu kejadian masing-masing tidak lagi istimewa dan tersimpan dalam sanubari kita. Kita terlalu angkuh pada haluan baru hingga alpa jejak-jejak tua yang telah kita tinggalkan. Saya bimbang dengan itu.

Saya, pada waktu ini amat-amat gementar jika ‘kita’ itu menghilang dan bakal tiada lagi.

ii) Suddenly one's idyllic existence was intruded upon by a luscious memory of someone. silky smooth skin, beautiful eyes, soft sweet lips

Thinner.

Older.

Uglier.

Ingin melihat dunia tanpa memandangnya. Berselisih bahu dengan masa lalu dan ingin tersenyum. Betapa perkara-perkara lama telah membawa ku ke sini. Suka dan duka, itu perkara kedua.

Ingin tenggelam dalam khayalan. Hari ini.

hidup seharusnya dihargai kewujudannya.

hidup, jika mahu difikirkan, secara bawah sedar, adalah keberanian. keberanian yang menyinggah dan ada masa, tersanggah.

p/s: gubahan yang sangat indah. sangat. sangat.

I have no idea where you are out there in the world. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by.....I know one thing to be as true as it ever was. I'll see you soon, then.

I always try to be nice to people.

With you, I’m always nice.

I wonder if you realise the difference.

Gwangalli Beach, Busan 1.42 a.m

i) It is always an interesting eye opener to know how much you are really worth to someone else. You can infer all you want from their everyday (previous) words/actions, but nothing beats the eye opening truth in seeing how you are treated when you are in need, for that is the best time to know whether you are weight in gold or crap.

ii) Percayalah, manusia sememang sifatnya mudah lupa. Things like how we first met is always forgotten.

i) People are not sorry for the things they’ve done. They are just sorry they’ve put themselves in a very guilty position. In short, everything still boils down to they, themselves.

ii) All I care about is that you ask for what you need, lean on those who love you and try to trust me when I say that you’ll come out other side.

i) What happened to us? We were almost there.

ii) Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain, cherish the memories, and ignore the pain...love, learn, and forgive

iii) I think we're both too scared.

i) Semua yang terjadi, menjadi, jadi dan akan jadi dalam hidupku, ada kemungkinan. Tiada masa piantan. Ia datang bila ia datang. Ia hilang bila fikiranku melayang.

ii) Suatu hari, coklat-coklat pahit yang lazat dan menyengat itu, akan membantu atau membunuhku.

iii) Di luar, dunia yang luas dan berkabus. Berjuta juta orang menghuninya, namun tidak sedesis suara yang aku terima. Di dalam, ruang yang tidak sebesar mana. Seorang saja manusia yang ada. Yang aku dengar cuma ketikan papan kekunci yang dipaksa-paksa. Apa pengakhirannya di sini? Yang di luar dan di dalam ku, semuanya sunyi.

Not one life goes by in which the quest for joy and happiness is absent. it is unfortunate, however, that people so often believe that the search will be entirely fulfilled by finding the perfect job, acquiring some new gadget, losing weight, or maintaining an image. The problem inherent in looking outward for sources of happiness is that focusing on what you do not have or what you are not inevitably leads to unhappiness

It is easy to get caught up in your desires and to ignore the sources of joy and growth already present in your life. It is said that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. When you have stopped comparing yourself and your assets to others, you will be able to recognize that, to others, you are on the "greener side". Learning to live in te moment and enjoy your personal lot can be a source of profound contentment.

Unhappiness inspired by what you do not have is easy to overcome when you open your eyes to the wonderful things already present in your life. Remember that joy is a state of mind, and it is pointless to sacrifice the happiness of today for a set of possibilities that may or may not come to be.

세상에는..

사람의 마음을 흔드는 감성적인 물질들이 존재한다..

비, 구름, 바다 같은 갓들..

그리고 그 중에는 음악이 있다.

음악을 들다 보면 괜히 마음이 편안해지고 위로 받는 느낌을 받게 된다

For my own consumption. As I need to remind myself over and over and over again,

"I am what I am. When I tend or even tempt myself to act as a different person or having dishonest personality, that is where I fail myself as a human being."

God is great, in every way He creates his creation.